


Not Him

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-16
Updated: 2004-04-16
Packaged: 2018-12-27 13:45:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: A companion to "Blotting Out Sunshine".  This one is from Justin's POV.





	Not Him

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

It was late when I came in and I was hoping he would be asleep. I didn’t feel like talking. It’s funny; I used to think that talking was so important- that words were what really meant something. Now I’m not so sure. I’m really not very sure of anything anymore.

“Justin?” He questioned sleepily as I crept into his lumpy, poor excuse for a bed. He hadn’t opened his eyes, but his hand was stroking my cheek ever so softly.

“Yeah, it’s me.” I whispered back.

He smiled as his eyes fluttered open. I closed my own and imagined that the pair focusing on me was an intense hazel. I smiled back.

“I missed you, Baby.” He confessed. I immediately opened my eyes and sighed at the sweet brown eyes before me. His admission was nothing new. It was the same thing he said to me every day- every night, fuck- every hour it seems.

“Yeah, me too.” I assure him, trying my best to sound convincing. I just can’t bring myself to say the words to him. Funny, ‘cause I know he would love to hear them- unlike the only person that I actually want to say them to.

If he noticed the strain in my voice he didn’t let on, but I doubt he noticed. He hasn’t seemed to notice my distance at all these past couple of months, but it’s just as well, right? I’ve got what I want now, don’t I?

I feel my body’s natural reaction when he closes his small hand around my dick. Brian’s hands were much larger, I couldn’t help but think. His fingers were long and slender, yet strong- just like the rest of him. Ethan’s hands are usually cold and clammy in addition to their small size. Not to mention what small hands means…

I gave him a soft murmur of encouragement as I laid back and tried to enjoy his ministrations. 

“I love you so much.” He professed and all I can hear is Brian saying, “I love fucking your tight little ass, Justin.”

I moan my approval and Ethan continues jerking me off while planting small kisses on my stomach.

“You’re so beautiful, Justin.” He gazed at me with nauseating adoration.

“You’re so fuckin’ hot, Sunshine”

I moan louder for the voice in my head.

He takes me into his mouth and I try to hard to forget what Brian’s mouth feels like, but I can’t. I just can’t. It’s imprinted in my brain- my body. My dick remembers every one of Brian’s touches and sometimes I think it’s the only thing that keeps me sane when Ethan clumsily tries to pleasure me.

He looks up at me again with his hooded gaze and I know what he wants.

“Justin? Make love to me.” He pleads so sweetly while crawling up my body.

“I’m gonna fuck you. I’m gonna fuck you all night long.” I hear Brian’s sexy tone whispering in my ear again.

I roll Ethan over and sheath my dick. It is so hard to pretend I am fucking Brian. He hardly ever let me fuck him, but I just can’t bottom for Ethan. I don’t know if I can ever bottom for anyone else, but I crave it. I crave him and only him. I probably always will.

Sometimes I let Ethan finger me and in those fleeting moments I can pretend it’s Brian, but it’s always so fleeting, because the next think I know he’s spouting off some bullshit about how my eyes inspire him to be a better man or something else entirely lesbian. 

Then it’s ruined and I feel cheated. I know that’s stupid. I got exactly what I wanted. Right. What I wanted was for Brian to say these things- to do these things. Now that I have someone giving me those romantic sentiments that he had refused, I am positive that I wouldn’t want him to. It’s just not Brian and I love Brian- not silly idealistic gesturers and words. How could I have been so stupid?

“Oh, Justin, you feel so good inside me. I can hear the music when you love me like this.” Ethan pulls me from my musings once again and I silently snort. ‘I can hear the music when you love me like this?’ What does that have to do with fucking? Christ I wish Brian was fucking me right now, but I know that will probably never happen again. He’ll never let me back in; not after what I did. He loved me. I know that now, and he showed me in so many ways. I was just too slow to see it. I was too blinded by my expectations of what a relationship should be to see Brian showing me everyday how he felt.

I shook my head and kept pumping away at Ethan’s slightly flabby ass. I was committed to finishing this. Sometimes I wonder if he knows but just doesn’t say anything. Maybe he is waiting patiently, thinking that someday I will forget about Brain and truly love him or maybe he is just blissfully ignorant. I will have to tell him the truth soon. I really don’t know how long I can live this lie.

We quickly finish and I collapse on the bed. I’m more exhausted from the strenuous mental workout I just had than from the sex. Missing Brian can be almost as exhausting as being with him. Ethan rolls over and throws an arm and a leg over me as I just lie there.

I sigh quietly and I know he is taking it as contentment and he snuggles closer. There’s really no use dwelling on my mistakes. This is my reality now.


End file.
